You are not supposed to be secure in an insecure environment. You are not supposed to handle being pushed aside like you don’t notice it. So, what is happening is the inner part of you is coming and saying ‘This doesn’t feel right!’ But somehow, sociologically, in this unique time period you’ve been given the information that there is something wrong with you for having a reaction. You are supposed to be chill. You are supposed to be cool and whatever happens, happens. And this is not love.
By Susan Winter
This is usually what happens. People do things that make you feel insecure, and when you feel insecure, they use your insecurity against you.
Are we supposed to behave like robots, then? If you notice something is wrong, something that is making you feel insecure, and you don’t try to understand from the other person what is going on, you don’t love that person. Period. Because love is all about understanding and caring. Love is about sharing fears and anxiety, and also about being understanding and compassionate. Love is about rescuing the other when it is needed, just like you would want be rescued when and if your time comes.
If you notice your partner is acting weird and insecure, a simple conversation like “It seems there is something bothering you… Can we talk about it?” can help. Maybe you will find that there are real reasons for the other person to feel insecure. Bottom line is: stand on the other person’s shoes.
And on the other side of the coin, not doing it and not trying to understand what you are doing to make the other feel insecure, or simply saying “it is always like this” is immature. Refusing to talk about the issue won’t help either. Actually, refusing to talk about issues in general or giving the silent treatment when the other person needs to talk is a passive aggressive type of control, and a very immature and humiliating way to avoid dealing with daily life issues.
Empathy is key in these moments. Empathy is what holds everything together. It is like saying “I can’t see myself in that situation, but there must be a reason to explain what the he/she is feeling. As I love him/her, I am going to do something about it. We are going to get through this together”.
Maybe you have learned in your childhood that you need to keep a safe distance from others or else you are going to get hurt. Maybe someone did that to you. But what if it is the love of your life and you are just freaking out as you were taught when you were younger? How to live fearing something that may never happen? Live your life to the fullest! Keep calm. Face your fears. Acknowledge their existence. Talk. Hear. Be heard. Deal with it.
A relationship must be built over solid ground. If you don’t understand in you the mechanisms triggering insecurity in your partner, don’t blame him/her for not acting like a robot. Instead, thank them for loving you enough to try to fix things. If you love, you will always try to fix things.